“No wonder how much you pretend, but you cannot ever forget the taste of your first kiss and the pain of your first break up.”
―
M.F. Moonzajer
Forgetting would be nice.
Wherever you search on the Internet, you get a different story. One article will say how your first love shapes everything that comes after, while another may say it doesn't. I guess that's for each person to decide as each person has their own experiences, minutely or vastly different from each other.
For me personally, I never realized what I was getting myself into at such a young age. Yes, I am and always have been a hopeless romantic. The poetry, the letters, the photos and preserving the ideas of chivalry have always been at the forefront of what I believed in and while I understood that fairy tales were not real life, I always hoped that life could end up becoming like a fairy tale.
I wholeheartedly believe that M.F. Monzajer was correct in his quote “No wonder how much you pretend, but you cannot ever forget the taste of your first kiss and the pain of your first break up," but what if your first breakup was atypical for most. Could a hopeless romantic's break play right into the hands of a potential fairy tale ending and would the lack of the latter end up shaping all that would come after in terms of love or were there strong forces at work?
Ending my first relationship on good terms was difficult, as I never knew how ugly break ups and relationships for that matter, could be. To be forced to break up by circumstances beyond my control was probably the worst thing that could have happened to me, as the "what if" or the possibility of that fairy tale ending was left there, dangling in front of my eyes. There was no closure. No definite clear cut line that said, it's over. And with that, the struggle became my reality.
Throughout my life, that first relationship was truly my measuring stick. I compared so many to this amazing relationship I started my life with and with that, I was unfair to all those who I came across.
In
Brushstrokes of a Gadfl, E.A. Bucchianer
i writes “That's it. Love makes us all strong,” and while I agree that this can be true, in my case, it made me weak. It made me blind to all the beauty and amazing features that the people around me possessed, those who I was lucky enough to call my friends. Despite being the amazing people I knew they were though, I made the mistake of passing and moving on, not knowing what I would miss out on.
Years later, I finally began to regain my sight and see the beautiful and amazing people that surrounded me but of course, I missed my opportunities, my timing wasn't right, I wasn't prepared to be vulnerable again, and the list of reasons goes on and on.
The wounds of the first relationship were deep and kept cutting deep into my soul and for that reason, my relationships afterwards were impacted. To fall so hard fresh out of the gate and to have to recover from something like that for such a long time is the hardest things to do. I internalized it all and it just made it worse. Each and every time that I found another beautiful and amazing person, my scars would remind me just what I was getting myself into.
My scars remind my memory of the pain that I felt so deep into my soul, but somewhere in my heart, rests that hopeless romantic that withered in the shadows of the pain that comes with a broken soul, something much more painful than a broken heart. Every time an opportunity presented itself, the reminders became so clear and the hesitancy grew greater and greater.
Honestly, I did wither. I withered so much that I allowed so many people looking to lift me from the shadows pass on by, knowing that each and every one possessed some of the most beautiful, amazing, and refined qualities that any man would be lucky enough to share a life with. While I wanted to jump at many opportunities, my mind and my soul kept my legs from jumping, while my heart was ready to take them in.
While I am sad that I let so many pass by, I am glad that most found their way to someone who completes them and who can give them what I could not when given the opportunity. I lost out on these opportunities, but I realized that all is not lost. My adventures to places near and far made me realize all the issues that held me back and how my first controlled all of my lasts. How I needed to change and not how others needed to change for me. As while I withered, I only needed to step out of the shadow of my past to grow.
I stand here knowing that while my first shaped my past, it cannot and will not shape who I am from now. It will not allow me to miss out on the beauty, the amazing, and the awesome that I am surrounded by. While I may need a little push every once in awhile, I think I have finally moved out of the shadows and have begun to slowly work my way back to that hopeless romantic who believes that while fairy tales are not necessarily true, that happy endings are plentiful if you only allow them to be.
While E.A. Bucchianeri wrote that loves makes us all strong, I believe Lao Tzu who said that "being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage" and that can only be accomplished in this situation by understanding Mother Teresa when she said, "I have found that paradox that when you love until it hurts, there can be no hurt, only more love." As that hopeless romantic, I hope that beyond this pain I have suffered in for so long, that love awaits on the horizon and that my first love can no longer be the mold that confines; rather find that one that can help work with me to help us grow into something that no shadow can cast darkness on.
Forgetting would be nice, but remembering how to love again would be the nicest.
